You certainly have a knack for exploring the darkness.

There is something I'm wanting to ask you, but it's really a question that doesn't do well in words...none I can find right now anyway. Something about whether or not it is insulting to believe that no matter what a person creates, when actual creativity is involved, be it art or writing or film or music etc. if that can't be but a portion of the person, a portion of their psyche, their soul, their desires...a reflection. And so these dark epics are reflections of you if this is truly the case...and it makes me wonder what goes through you when you come back later and read them? I think I'm asking because for so long I was incapable of staring at some of my old sketches...and still, certainly, of reading my old journals.
It unnerves me to realize that I wrote things I don't remember writing or have enclosed into a closet somewhere in my head with a lock and key to preserve sanity.

What does it do for you to write these?

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-KD Anthony

the question is a difficult one to answer because at the time i wasnt having the best time of things. i wasnt depressed and i wasnt on the verge of manic depressivness. i was bored. i have always had the ability to tap into the darker side of my personality, i supress it so much during everday life. the amount of times i have had the oppurtunity to tear someone apart and i truely believe i could, and i push it down, keeping the monster at bay, the thing is, no matter what someone creates thier personality comes through, the only exception being digital/3d art, the reason being is that that form is all about vectors, renders, layers and colour, not about soul, personality and heart. i have a very dark side that allows me to be able to get the primal feelings of hate. this may sound wierd, but how is it i can draw demons, dragons, evil symbols, but when it comes to drawing a simple angel or something not associated with occult i have difficulty physically drawing it. i cant draw anything but a simple rabbit, yet i can turn a bunch of scribbles into something that resemebles the 5th circle of hell.

yeah it scares me.. especially when i read mind of a murderer, i think at first i done it for the responce.. but thn again, it could have been second nature. I hate religion for some reason, im suppost to be holy catholic, but choose not to follow any sort of religion. i wasnt brought up wrong, and i was in a loving and supporting enviorment, but reading back it feels there was something more than just imagination at work.

Over the years I've been having more and more difficulty creating art.
I've gotten better, what I do create I do so with an improved skill.

But it takes more energy for me to make anything now...I used to eat sleep and breathe art.
As the years passed by during my time in the service though, especially after Iraq...I went through something and, I think as a defense mechanism I lost the ability to feel emotion to a certain point. I still get 'happy' and 'sad' and 'lonely' but it's all very mild. The excitement, drive, and motivation I used to feel when I created things, that's gone with the pain I didn't want to feel anymore. But if I close my eyes and try to break down that wall I built, by uttering a certain name or reliving a particular experience, well...I tried it and I'm not strong enough to get through it yet.

I woke up in the fetal position on the floor full of sweat and tears, and my ears were ringing. I'd been crying out thinking it was someone else...but it was me. I was fine when I came out of it though, perfectly. It was like my mind flipped a switch, immediate recovery, one second and I'm up, heart racing as if I just stopped running, and white sparks flickering in my vision...but fine.
I think that episode, I'm pretty sure of it actually, was the result of low blood sugar coupled with thinking about all of the wrong shit all at once. But I think it's those things that have stopped my body from allowing emotion to reach a certain point.

I have this belief that for as good as anybody is, they're balanced, so they're just as bad; what I mean is that they have the ability to be as bad as they are good, bad and good don't really explain what I mean exactly though. Especially because so many things are not either 'bad' or 'good'; it's all situational and based on intentions. It's like tones becoming hues, getting more and more vivid, getting more and more extreme or pure or saturated. Your actions are based on your understanding of things, if you find that although you were raised in a healthy environment but part of you seems more in touch with the 'darker' nature of mankind then that may simply be the result of your behavior based on your understanding of that darker side. Sometimes to satisfy an urge or to bring myself to reason I'll go through with something in my head, completely, imagining every detail of what I desire including the consequences in full of succumbing to that desire and I'll have a great smirk on my face for it but I'll do the right thing instead, or learn from the experience I undergo mentally to find a route in-between that's satisfying but doesn't hurt anybody I care about.

hahaha! I know this seems like a jump off topic...but you remember that shit we used to chant as children?

"Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But words
Will never hurt me!"

hahaha!

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-KD Anthony